So, I realized something interesting yesterday.
I've become a reaction.
Not that I have reactions, not that I react to stimuli, but that I am a reaction. If you speak, move, or touch me when I'm not expecting it, I'll be startled. If I watch an action movie, I'll feel sick and stressed out. Lash out at me, and I'll instinctively give you what you want to avoid negative consequences. If you give me blame or responsibility, I will automatically shoulder it. If you need help, I'll compulsively try to "save" you. Notice that none of these actions have anything to do with how I feel; they are dependent on the choices of other people.
Good job, Satan. You know that I don't limit my agency through sin, so you found a way to give me post-traumatic stress disorder instead. Well played, well played.
So for today, I gave something a little counter-intuitive; I made a list of things that I have historically liked to do. It was a struggle, and even now, I'm not sure if I succeeded. As the embodiment of reaction, I don't ever think about what makes me happy.
I actually have some pretty good proof on this point; I created a survey that I make myself take everyday, and two of the questions are "What was your primary motivation today?" and "What do you think that Heavenly Father wants from you?" As I've tracked the trends in my thinking, I've noticed that I often act to avoid negative consequences, whereas I think that Heavenly Father wants me to act because I desire good consequences. Avoiding bad things is a form of reaction, because my choices are about running away from something rather than choosing what I run towards; on the other hand, desire for something good is a choice only I can make for myself. In making a list of things that I like to do and doing them, I'm hoping to reclaim the desire that will allow me to fully reclaim my agency.
1. Writing
2. Service
3. Arts and Crafts
4. Rock-climbing
5. Playing piano
6. Arranging hymns
7. Reading novels
8. Serving my ancestors
9. Cleaning/decorating; basically making my living quarters look cozy
10. Going to the temple
So it begins. Hopefully, I can give the Savior an entire human being sometime in the future instead of an overzealous sympathetic nervous system!
This one was harder for me to read because it really hurts to see someone I love so much hurting so profoundly and poignantly, even more than this article expresses. I know however that it is when we struggle that we grow. An amazing strength that you have, Rachelle, is the ability to self-assess. I was just meeting with a sales manager yesterday and him and I spoke about how not many people have that ability, which limits their ability to progress. I believe to self-asses is to self-improve. By you completing that survey daily, writing this blog, forming a list of things you like to do and recognizing what is from God and what is not, you are tapping into the enabling power of the Atonement and you are becoming an incredibly powerful tool in Heavenly Father's hands to bless the human family.
ReplyDeleteThanks Chris, I really appreciate your support.
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