If My Father Holds Me

Anyone who has tried to talk with me for the past week or so has noticed that I'm quite reticent to talk about how I'm feeling.

"How are you?" My concerned friends and/or family ask.

"Fine." I always answer untruthfully, carefully hiding my sudden irritation. And then after an obligatory 2 seconds of trying to appear ok, I flee to the nearest location with no people.

I wish that I wasn't having a hard time, because trust me, having a hard time for months on end isn't my idea of a great time. I feel irritated because I wish that I could give a more positive answer, and every time I can't, I'm acutely aware of my own lack of progress. I wish I could say, "yeah! I'm great! It's a miracle! Hallelujah!" Alas, that time has not yet arrived.

So today, for my Savior, I tried to overcome this aversion at least for an hour. I had a counseling appointment today--I'm trusting that anyone bothering to read this cares about me on some level, and will refrain from judging me at this point in time--and that means that I'm supposed to talk about how I feel. Gross. I did not want to. But I know that Heavenly Father wants me to feel and be better, and in order to do that, I need to work through the things that are causing me such difficulties. Avoiding problems does not fix them. And it was good. I remember having a moment in the session where I was going to avoid telling the counselor something, and then I stopped; "be completely open for Heavenly Father," I reminded myself. "You aren't giving your best effort at healing if you aren't completely honest, and the Savior gave His life to heal you." And so I did.

Yesterday, one of my friends tried to reassure me. "It'll be ok." And then he grimaced and went on to say, "sorry, when I'm having a hard time, I don't handle hearing that very well."

I can understand why people don't always like hearing that "it'll be ok." But that's not me. I know that it'll be ok. I believe in the Atonement. I know that it's real. However, I also know that it won't be ok instantly, at least not always. As Elder Holland said in his talk Like a Broken Vessel, "Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead."

The story about Joseph Smith needing surgery as a child means a lot to me, but not for the reasons you would expect.  As the account goes, Joseph Smith needed surgery on his leg, and the doctor told him to consume alcohol so that when the knife cut through his skin, the pain would be less. The child refused, saying that if his father held him, he could hold still and endure the pain. We commend him, saying that he valued having control over his own mind and body, but that experience means so much more symbolically.

Just like Joseph Smith could rely on his earthly father, as I struggle, I can feel my Heavenly Father holding me. It doesn't mean that life is easier, or that it hurts less. But I can be still. I can endure anything, and I can endure it to the end. I can accept His will for me. My experiences are meant to teach me something, and while I'm frustrated that I don't seem to be learning it--if I had already learned my lesson, I feel like I would be healed already--I'm grateful for the opportunities that I have to grow, even if it's really difficult.