Connecting with Friends

Again, I'm focusing on finding the tender mercies in my life that manifest Christ.

I missed yesterday. Yesterday, Heavenly Father taught me something through my scripture study the shed light on something I'd been wondering about. It was so inspiring!

Today, there were so many good things! On my run today, I was stopped by a woman that needed directions, and I was able to give them to her. I was also able to talk with some good old friends, as well as draw closer to some new ones; I love my new roommates, they're lovely girls. I was also able to draw on an experience I had last week for strength, and it helped me a lot.

I'm so grateful for my Savior.

A New Angle

So I've slacked off in the past week or so. Part of this is because I was in Idaho without real access to the internet, but part of it is also that every three or four months, I need to do something new to keep myself entertained; basically, I need to shake up how I give something to Christ everyday.

So for the next while--I'm not sure how long--I'm going to focus on seeing Christ in my everyday. I want to see Heavenly Father move in the lives of His children, and I want to appreciate it. I already try to do things for Christ, so this will help freshen my perspective.

Today, I saw a number of things. I had a friend that was really kind to me, and I saw that he was doing his best to consistently grow. On the other hand, I found myself bereft of supports that I used to have, and it made me sad...but it's good. This summer, I want to focus on improving myself and reaching a place where I feel good about how I'm doing, and in my current circumstances, I'll get to spend a lot of time by myself; this will help me focus on really improving myself. I'm grateful.

Excess Energy

Lately, my focus has in coming to Christ has been improving my relationship with myself; it focuses more on a state of being rather than a particular action, so I sometimes forget to do something specifically for the savior.

Today was good though. I took a walk, and it was stunning. I've noticed lately that sometimes, I have this feeling build up inside me. It feels a little bit like when I miss a day running (when I've been running regularly), and excess energy starts bouncing around inside of me, making me bounce around like a hyper three year old. Except instead of energy, it's love; I feel like because I haven't been emotionally overextending all the time, I have this excess love sitting inside of me. I hoping to learn how to direct it in a positive way instead of slipping into old habits of over-extending. It's exciting.

Seeing the Human

Today, I reached out and talked to someone that don't know very well personally. I do,  however, have more feelings about him than I should; his family and my family have an unpleasant history, and I know friends that have been negatively impacted by some of his decisions.

But today, I saw a glimpse into his pains and weaknesses. I saw the more human side of him, and it was good. I feel like I learned a lot; I saw his ability to truly love. I also realized that while I can care about everyone (at least to a certain degree), I'm not always the person needed to help any given individual. While I talked to him today, I wasn't the person who needed to him help; our exchange was more for our benefit, and it softened my heart.

4/20/15 (I thought I published, but I didn't)

I did a lot of good things today. I showed appreciation for a friend, prepped for some ward activities, etc. But for my Savior today, I am holding on. I am holding on through the anxiety that upsets my stomach and makes my head go all dizzy. I am holding on to the word of God, trusting Him when He says that He loves me and wants the best for me. This too shall pass.

Planning and Gratitude

Today for the Savior, I tried to make new plans, goals, policies, etc. for the summer that would bring me closer to Him. My basic goals center around 1) allowing for enough one on one time with the Savior, 2) self-improvement, and 3) looking out for others by acting personally as well as delegating. I'm excited to see what the Lord can make of me.

Also, here's a thought that I had today during Sunday school; we were talking about gratitude and why it's so important, I realized something. Gratitude is saying "Thy will be done" and truly meaning it. When I'm grateful, regardless of trials and circumstances, I'm showing Heavenly Father that I truly support what He's doing with my life. In other words, gratitude is absolutely essential to aligning my will with Heavenly Father.

Talking

Today for Christ, I talked to a friend. And last night, after I already had posted, I did the same thing. I'm trying to learn the balance between caring deeply for those I love, and showing them through my actions, and making sure that I'm taken care of too.

Curse you Glenwood Internet!

This is another two days in one post entry, but this time, it's because Glenwood's internet has been out. Curse you faulty wireless internet!

Yesterday, I delivered cookies for a girl's birthday. She is very sweet, and I was afraid that she would be overlooked. I was grateful for the opportunity to move outside myself on someone else's behalf.

Today, all I can do is express gratitude. I learned a lot of important things today. Heavenly Father is helping me to grow and progress, and I know that someday,  I'll be much better than I am right now.

Playing and Praying

"For my soul delighteth in the song of the heart; yea, the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me, and it shall be answered with a blessing upon their heads."
- Doctrine and Covenants 25:12

Some of my sweetest communications with my Heavenly Father occur when playing piano for Him as well as praying to Him. Today, I played hymns for my Father and Savior, reading all the verses as I went. The last verse of O My Father filled me with such longing to be with my Heavenly Parents! It resonated with and expressed my greatest desire.

When I leave this frail existence,
When I lay this mortal by,
Father, Mother, may I meet you
In your royal courts on high?
Then, at length, when I've completed
All you sent me forth to do,
With your mutual approbation
Let me come and dwell with you.

I love my Heavenly Father so much! I love my Savior! I want to be so close to Them! I hope that I can become more like Them so that I can have more of Their Spirit in my life and heart.

Family History is a place of miracles!

Today, I did family history again for my Savior, and it was fantastic! I've found a family that I can take to the temple!

The Lord prepares the way and inspires people to bring His work to pass. I was only able to find this family because at the same time that I was working down the descendancy line in my tree, someone else was working up from present day in their own line; we met in the middle. I would never have found this family on my own. The wife, who is my blood relation, threw a lot of tricky barriers in my path: 1) she moved from England to Missouri, U.S.A, 2) she started going by her middle name, and 3) she got married, thus changing her last name, and she did all three of these things in between census records! And I didn't even know her middle, just the first letter of it! How was I supposed to realize that Lizzie S. Young of Missouri was the same girl as Sarah E. G. Shute of England!? ('E' stands for Elizabeth)

Through a miracle. I'm so grateful to follow the God of miracles.

Reaching Out and Following Up

Today for my Savior, I invited some people to ward prayer that don't always go. One of them came!

I also did family history work for the first time in a while, and it was really exciting. I managed to find a lot of records recreating the lives of my relatives from days long past, and hopefully, I'll be able to find enough information to take some of them to the temple soon.

As far as following up on the goals that I made last Sunday, I did alright but not perfect.

1. I went to the temple on Tuesday!
2. I've signed a lease for Fall/Winter, but I haven't finished getting arrangements for Spring/Summer; but let's be honest, Glenwood is the bottom of everyone's list, so I'm not concerned that they'll run out of room.
3. I completed the personal progress survey 5 days out of 7.
4. I missed a day of reading scriptures, and there was one day when I didn't read for the full 20 minutes.
5. I did apply for a lot of jobs, but as I still don't conclusively have a job yet, I'm not done applying!
6. I wrote 6,000 words this week.
7. While I didn't record promptings, I did pay better attention to following promptings.
8. I read my blessing.
9. I didn't watch netflix!
10. I was a little nicer; there were times when it would occur to me to say something true that didn't necessarily reflect someone in the best light, but I restrained myself.

As far as my goals for this week...
1. Go to the temple (this is a weekly goal).
2. Finish housing arrangements because I didn't finish it last week...
3. THOUGHTFULLY complete my personal progress surveys each day.
4. Read 20 minutes everyday about Christ's life.
5. Keep applying for jobs until I actually have one.
6. Write 5,000 words this week.
7. Make definitive plans for the beginning of Spring/Summer for my ward.
8. Don't watch Netflix (I'll admit, I listened to the Saratov Approach while doing family history, but that doesn't count)
9. Only say positive things about people unless there is a practical reason that I should point out a concern; just because something is true doesn't mean that I should refer to it!
10. Exercise at least three times this week; sounds like a lame goal, but I'm still not sure that my left knee can take the stresses again yet.
11. Finish writing notes to all the girls in my Relief Society.

We'll see how I do. I really want to draw closer to my Savior and show Him that I love Him! I'm trying to focus on helping myself rejuvenate and draw closer to Him, though I still love serving others and do so often. Sometimes, I think that the only reason I should heal and grow is so that I can better serve others for my Heavenly Father, but in thinking so, I'm sort of missing the point. I am a daughter of God. Christ doesn't help me just so that I can help other people; I am valuable in and of myself. And now that I'm trying to remember this fact, I feel better about taking time to rejuvenate and develop myself. I want to become like my Savior, and even He took 40 days in the wilderness to prepare and be alone with His Father. THEN He went to serve and help everyone else in His ministry. It's important that I'M solid, otherwise I can overextend.

Two Days in One Post

This post will cover both today and yesterday, as I thought my bed looked more appealing than my computer when I went to bed at 2:30 this morning.

Yesterday for my Savior, I went with two of my friends to see the play that my visiting teachee stars in. I tried to focus on supporting the friends that I watched it with; they are both fantastic people that have had some pretty hard things to deal with, and I haven't been the greatest friend lately because I've been going through hard things too. But for that night, instead of focusing on working through my own problems, I tried to just enjoy the company of friends and support them by paying attention. It was good! I still have a lot to work on when it comes to being a good friend as well as take care of myself, but I'm sure that with Christ's help, I'll get there.

Today, I made dessert with a friend. She is one of those roommates that I hope to be friends with for a long time to come, and despite the fact that she's wonderfully married and I'm woefully single, we got along like old times. We've had similar trials this semester, so it was nice to talk with a kindred spirit. I think that our conversation was good for both of us; I know for sure that it was good for me.

I realized today that I need to focus more clinically on self-improvement in my thoughts. I can make more progress if I focus on it more. I've been focusing on things that I need to do, which is good, but I also want to focus more on what I need to be. Hopefully, I'll be able to make this change in my thinking!

Phone Call

I talked to a relative to see how they were doing.

Friend

A friend was sad, and I tried to be there for them. I need to work on being more emotionally available for my friends; I've just been emotionally overextended for the better part of the past four years, and I'm still recovering.

Easter Bucket List = Initiated

Because I tried to limit time-wasting activities per my goal on Sunday, I found myself bored before bedtime today. I played piano for a while--I quite enjoyed it--and then I realized something! On my bucket list, I want to create an Easter Program for the Savior before I die, complete with narrative and songs (I do plan to use hymns, so it's not all from scratch).

So today for my Savior, I started studying the last week of His life. It was awesome! Because I concentrated on truly immersing myself in my Savior's life, I discovered what it's like to pass through the event horizon of a black hole. 

And by that, I mean that I discovered things I hadn't thought about before, and time passed in a really strange fashion. I spent a half hour on fourteen verses, but it felt like only five minutes; time dilation, I'm telling you. And my view began to change just a little as I approached a place where light just gather and gathers...

For instance, I was pondering on verses John 12:7-8 where Christ defends Mary's choice to anoint his feet:

Then said Jesus, Let her alone: against the day of my burying hath she kept this. For the poor always ye have with you; but me ye have not always.

First off, isn't Mary awesome? From the scriptures, we can tell that Christ's apostles didn't understand a lot of what He said. But Christ implies that Mary knew He would die soon; she was the girl who always took the time to really love Him and listen to Him, even when there were other things that needed doing (Luke 10:38-42).

Secondly, isn't is interesting that Christ prefers Mary to serve Him directly rather than the poor considering Matthew 25:40 where Christ says that "inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me"? If Christ suffered for me individually, experiencing my life so that He could better succor me, then He literally receives any service that I receive so that He can have complete empathy with me; therefore, Matthew 25:40 is literally true for Him. He experiences the joy of being served whether it is directly to Him or someone that He suffers for.

But then why would it matter whether Mary anointed His feet or helped the poor? I think the difference lies in Mary rather than in Christ. In serving Christ and only Christ, Mary was better able to love and draw close to her Savior. In my own life, I know this is true. I serve others for my Savior a lot, but not solely for Him; I serve others because I love them too. This splits my attention so that I'm not directing all my love and affection at the Savior. But when I pray to the Savior and focus only on Him, I draw that much closer to Him because I thinking that much more about Him. 

Basically, if I have the chance to literally serve my Savior, I'm going to take it. 

These are just some of my thoughts, but I'm really grateful that I was able to draw closer to my Savior today through studying the last days of His life.

Awkward Roommate Moment

So, I kept waking up triggered last night, and I got very little sleep. Do you know how annoying it can be to wake up in a panic, shaking uncontrollably and trying to fend off dangers that don't actually exist? Super annoying, as well as exhausting and discouraging. And my poor roommate/sister! I woke her up because I sat up, gasped no over and over again, and waved my arms around wildly. I didn't keep her up the whole night though (I hope), because whenever I'd realize I was dreaming, I'd try to practice calming techniques. I found that along with grounding, internally praying and singing hymns helped. I'm grateful that my Heavenly Father loves me and helps me.

But because of my tumultuous night, I don't feel super great today. It was only a little thing, but for my Savior, I tried to concentrate really hard so that I could complete my homework. He wants me to succeed in school, even when it's difficult for me to care as much as He does, so I did my homework for Him. Throughout the day, I might find other things to do for Him, but already, He has helped me act better today than I would have otherwise.

General Conference Resolutions

Both today and yesterday, I watched LDS general conference, and it was great! For my Savior today, I came up with some goals for this week that I intend to follow up on next Sunday. Hopefully I'll become just a little bit of a better person before then!

1. Go to the temple.
2. Finish handling housing arrangements.
3. Complete my personal progress survey everyday.
4. Study scriptures for 20 minutes everyday.
5. Finish job applications.
6. Write 6,000 words in book.
7. Get into the habit of recording promptings again.
8. Read Patriarchal Blessing.
9. No Netflix; it's a waste of time.
10. Become just a little bit nicer by thinking more about things I say.

PIzza Salad

Today, I reached out to someone that I don't know but dropping off dinner, a nice gesture that isn't too intrusive. Who doesn't like free food?

Unless you're gluten intolerant. Then you might be a little bit more picky.

Signature Book

So, I have a signature book that I carry around with me everywhere. It's not for the famous or rich, though I do have some people that fit that description in my book. It's for the people that I learn from, whether I talk to them only once or we spend years together. Every person gets their own page, because underneath their signature, I write about them. I write about the understanding and experience that they added to my life. Each entry ends exactly the same way; "I'm glad that he exists" (obviously I change the pronoun to accurately describe their gender).

That might seem like odd wording, I'm glad that he exists, but it's the most accurate wording. When I write in my signature book about someone, it's because they're most likely leaving my life forever. I write about them as a final tribute to their influence on my life. They no longer interact with me, so when I express gratitude, it's because I know that somewhere in this universe, such a person exists. Their existence doesn't have to do anything with me anymore for me to appreciate them.

So today, for my Savior, I wrote about someone I've interacted with. And in focusing on what I've learned from them, I gained clarity not only into their behavior, but into my own. I'm excited because through this person, I've identified characteristics that I want to more fully develop in myself.

I looked at the Stars and Became Whole

I am...deeply touched with gratitude right now. I don't have the words to express what I'm feeling. How can God be so good to me? How can I ever be content with my unprofitable status before Him?

I looked at the stars today, and I became whole.

I mean this metaphorically. Stars are pictures of the past that blaze in the present, like how my journals open a window to a version of myself that doesn't exist anymore. I was reading in my journals today, trying to understand a past that has plagued my subconscious for a long time. And as I read, I saw with more clarity than I ever have before. I saw my shining moments, heroic and selfless and clear. I saw the valiant strengths and efforts of those that I associated with. I also saw our individual weaknesses and how they combined into monstrous, unfortunate circumstances. Today, the good and the bad blurred and meshed, morphing my perception of people from my past into something beautiful.

It turned them human. Isn't it wonderful? I don't have to be right or wrong, and neither do any of the people that have hurt me. We are all human beings trying to find our path to happiness, and in an imperfect world, there will always be friendly fire.

I haven't always really understood this concept. I looked at my actions and the actions of others, trying to understand who was moral/right/best and who was not. But in reality, it doesn't matter. The point of being human is that we learn from our experiences. So today for my Savior, I wrote to someone who hurt me deeply and not only expressed gratitude for their good efforts, but apologized for grievances I had rendered that I might not have acknowledged fully before. Indeed, I couldn't acknowledge them because I didn't see them until now.

I feel at peace, more so than I have in a long time. I don't expect that all my problems are fixed, but I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father has helped me mature and progress over the past few years. I am very grateful for the help that I've been given.

Addressing the Burr Beneath my Saddle

So, remember how I mentioned a while back that I went deliberately out of my way to serve someone that I didn't necessarily feel super positive towards? 

Today, for my Savior, I had a deeper conversation with this person. I got to know them a little better and thus appreciate them a little more. Even when they manifested some of my pet peeves, I didn't mind as much because I saw other facets of their personality. I genuinely wanted them to be happy, and even though I didn't necessarily agree with their actions, I knew that they were just trying to figure out their own path to happiness. 

I'm so grateful that the Savior constantly presents me with opportunities to become a better person.