Popcorn Popping

I have a friend that for the entire time that I've known her--about a year now--she has been prone to sickness, and in the past couple weeks, we found out why she has been getting sick. It's a genetic condition that will follow her for the rest of her life, and though it's manageable, it restricts her food choices as well as other aspects of her life. So today for my Savior, another friend and I made her some caramel popcorn because it's an enjoyable treat that she can still eat.

But here's the thing. I didn't really know about the news until after the fact, and it was only because I asked under the right circumstances that I became privy to this information. All around us, there are people facing daunting challenges whether or not we are aware of what those challenges are. Because I am only human, I by myself cannot be aware of all the needs around me, but this is wonderful! It allows me to rely even more on my Father in Heaven. So for my Savior today, I also tried to reach out to others under His influence, even if I had no real connection to them otherwise.

On a side note slightly related but not quite, my childhood finally makes sense. I went walking around Provo last week, focusing on the blossoming trees on either side of the road. I tilted my head back and looked at the white bunches of flowers against the azure sky. And then I had a dawning realization.

Wait…

Could it be?

Could this be the apricot tree on which popcorn popped?

Yes, yes it could. I now know what "popcorn popping on an apricot tree" looks like, and it has nothing to do with being crazy or silly like my childhood self supposed while singing in church. Here's a picture of an apricot tree, a common sight in Utah that I never saw in Texas:

Childhood = understood.

Letters

The semester is coming to a close, and my social circles are about to change dramatically. I've made many friends in the past months that I treasure, and some of them will leave me soon. Their existence has made my life better, and I want them to know it. So for my Savior today, I started writing letters to some of the people that I won't be likely to see again.

Life is good.

Painful Catalyst

Pain is a funny thing.

As far as emotional pain is concerned, I like to think about it as a catalyst. Like a fire, it burns in your heart, changing it into something else. But unlike in physical reality, you can choose the product of the chemical reaction.

Some people choose to allow pain to turn their heart to hate and blame. The heart, a symbol for compassion and love, becomes angry, hard, narrow-minded, and judgmental. Indeed, the parts of the brain associated with judgment are over-active when we hate someone. It's awful that love can more easily turn to hate than apathy; love and hate use some of the same parts of the brain, so it's an easy transition. Those we love, or have loved, are in the most danger of our disdain and fury.

I'm choosing to allow pain to turn my heart to the Savior; I'm use pain as a positive catalyst.  I never really understood how hate can be tempting until recently. But for my Savior today, I'm trying to give Him my heart as well as my brain so that He can stop my love from changing into something else.

Home Teachers

Today, one of my home teachers came to visit me. In my church, every household has two men assigned to help make sure that they are taken care of; basically, it's a built in friendship and support network. It's standard for home teachers to visit once a month, and for members to get help from their home teachers. For instance, when my car was in the shop, my home teachers helped me to get to places that I needed to be.

I didn't need a ride today, but I've been having a rough time, and my home teacher really helped. He said things that I needed to hear and offered understanding and friendship. It really brightened my day. So, to show gratitude for my Savior, I found a way to show gratitude for my home teacher.

Yes, I do find it ironic. I'm trying to serve the Savior by showing gratitude for someone that He sent to help me. But isn't that how life works in general? He constantly blesses us, and even when we try to do something for Him, He turns our efforts into a blessing on our own heads. I'm so grateful for Him.

Committing to Becoming Better

It has been a little bit rough for the past couple days; I didn't even write a blog post for yesterday.

For the Savior today, I'm committing that I'll keep going. I'll keep trying to become better than I am.

The Absent

I love people. Whenever you're sad or in distress, I want to help. If you're happy, I want to share in your joy! And if we associate with one another, I've probably offered prayers in your behalf.

But do you know who needs the most attention and prayers?

The one who is entirely absent. No one can see her tears, pain, suffering, or struggles. No can share in her joy. And if she is gone for long enough, prayers in her behalf often start to dwindle merely because she is "out of sight," and "out of mind".

So for my Savior today, I thought about those who might be overlooked and tried to make sure that they felt otherwise. Heavenly Father loves them, and as I reached out to them, I could feel just a little bit of His love in addition to my own love for them.  I could also see how many of them appreciated knowing that someone cared. I'm so grateful for this opportunity that I had today! I'm truly blessed to know such fantastic people.

Trying to Get that Mote Out...

So, I'm a pretty nice and understanding person, sometimes to a fault. But there are few pet peeves I have that rub me the wrong way. And if any individual rubs me the wrong way for long enough, I might develop a sense of disgruntlement that isn't very nice...

Such an unfortunate circumstance has happened, and I must repent!

Sooo... for my Savior today, I served someone that I may or may not have negative feelings towards. I want to love everyone, and I find that service is a great way for me to increase my love towards another person. After all, seeing another's weaknesses should increase my love and compassion for them rather than the other way around. I'm grateful that my Savior can help me become a better person! Even if I'm not quite there yet. Negative feelings take a lot of energy that I would rather spend on other things like being happy, doing homework, or playing with puppies. :)

Close to the Homeless

For behold, are we not all beggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have, for both food and raiment, and for gold, and for silver, and for all the riches which we have of every kind?
       - King Benjamin (Mosiah 4:19)

I took another walk today. I wore a black, over-sized hoodie to shield me from the misty rain, though my brown pony-tailed hair and white ear buds stuck out in front of me. Just because of this slight shift in appearance--I normally look like a slightly nerdy white girl--people I passed in the street treated me a little differently. I got some askance looks, like they weren't sure if I was a "respectable" citizen or not. After all, I didn't look like it. I care little about how people view me, but because I was wandering Provo under a dreary, rainy twilight, I could more fully empathize with people that may not be as privileged as I am.

And because I was traveling places I don't normally go on foot, I saw a lot of things that I'm not normally exposed to. For instance, I was walking by Provo river when it started to rain (it was still daylight at this time, so I wasn't being stupidly unsafe), and I considered waiting for the rain to stop under a bridge I passed. As I contemplated the idea, I saw the profane graffiti sprayed onto the metal and concrete. I wondered, if I were homeless, would I just spend the night here? How would I escape the wet and cold if I had no friend to even temporarily take me in? How would I personally handle homelessness?

At another point, I walked in front of Macey's to reach Bulldog Blvd., and on Bulldog, I saw a man with a cardboard sign. I didn't see what it said, but I could assume that he was probably homeless, or at least close to being so. I passed him without speaking to him, thinking about how I had no money or anything to give him. 

But I had a debit card in my pocket. I wasn't completely destitute of resources. 

For the next mile that I slowly looped my way back to Macey's, I thought a lot about what moral decision I should make. I know there are a lot of panhandlers in the world. I also know that a lot of good people end up in dire circumstances. Throughout my life, both my parents and grandparents have taken in multiple poor souls. 

How lacking in human dignity must it be to beg on the side of a busy road, watching person after person avert their eyes with shame or judgment? Seeing the pity in the eyes of those who do help you?

So when I passed Macey's again, I stepped into the store and bought a $15 gift card. As a college student, I try not to spend money wastefully, so I fully intend to adjust my other spending to accommodate this loss in capital. I asked Heavenly Father to give me courage as I approached this stranger; I reasoned that in a crowed, public setting, there was no reason that I should feel unsafe. And even if this man was only panhandling, I'd rather be found guilty of being too charitable and optimistic rather than the opposite. Innocent until proven guilty; I try to apply this philosophy to all those I see and meet.

As I drew closer to him, I saw his sign this time: struggling family. There was something else written on the sign, but as I was reading, we made eye contact and I never read the rest of his message. He smiled at me. When I gave him the card, he said thank you, and I asked for his name. "Casey, and yours?" I told him my name and shook hands with him. "I can almost pay for the room, I'm fifteen dollars short; it's slow because of the rain. Thanks for your help, every little bit helps." He told me.

I don't know his circumstance or his intentions. But I do know that Heavenly Father loves him and his family. So for my Savior today, I tried to help a child of God while seeing him as such.

Super detailed (sarcasm)

Something hard.
Did it.
Yep.

Walked, and Walked...

Today, for my Savior, I gave Him a chance to really talk to me.

I did this by taking a looooooong walk. I wandered the streets of Provo, listening to an inspiring audio book as I went. I focused on the steady pace of my footsteps and the beautiful scenery that I passed. Inevitably, I came upon places that I've been before, and my mind reflected upon the associated memories. Every single one of my past relationships came to mind as well as lot of friendships. I also encountered many other people, and I wondered about the lives that they've lived and the places that they're going.

Do you know how interesting it is to wander in a world filled with scheduled, busy people? To gaze with curiosity on the many stories unfolding around you without the pressure of pursuing your own plot line?

You see things more clearly by learning more about yourself as well as the human race. I highly recommend it. Take an afternoon to wander around the place that you supposedly live in, and you'll discover a lot of wonderful things.

Bob Marley Style

You know what guys?

Emotions are exhausting.

Don't get me wrong. I love emotions because they help me identify meaning, and I purposely search for greater meaning everyday. But sometimes, it's nice just to perform menial tasks and enjoy the simple things in life, even if they aren't all that significant. I realized that I was overloaded emotionally today because 1) I had no desire to write or be creative, and 2) at the choir concert I attended, I could only empathize with the dreary, sad songs and not the happy ones. And the whole time, instead of just enjoying the music, I was analyzing my reactions to it.

That's a problem, people.

Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. He wants us to progress and grow, so if we're doing things that damage our ability to move forward, we need to change our behavior.

So tonight, I'm going to forget about everything that causes me anxiety and take a moment to enjoy being alive.  I'm going to try to remember that all those things I worry about? I don't really have control over them. And why should I let those things control my well-being? And in relinquishing responsibility for things I can't control anyways, I free up energy and vitality for doing things that can actually make myself and the world a better place. Heavenly Father has me covered, and since I'm trying to listen to His words and obey His principles, I'm sure that He'll give me a heads up if there is anything super vital that I need to do. Until that moment, I'm going to assume that everything will be alright for the night.

Child at the Graveyard

I went to a graveyard in Orem today. I often go there to find peace and quiet. Maybe it's the presence of the dead, but it feels like the temple to me. Sometimes I lay down with them and look at the clouds.

There is a particular grave there that I like to visit. Last year in February, a baby boy died. His family buried him under a tree at the edge of the graves, hanging ornaments in the branches above him like the toy mobiles we hang above cribs. Instead of a normal tombstone, they placed a picture of his smiling face above his final resting place; anyone who sees his bashful smile automatically loves him. I'm no different; I saw his grave the day after he was buried, and I've continued to visit him ever since.

The last time that I went to visit earlier this week, I found out that I'm not the only person to have adopted this child. When I arrived, there was family with small children frolicking among the graves. Seeing that I sat next to this little boy's grave, the mother walked up to talk to me while I was eating my Panda Express--I know, it seems a little bit mocking to eat food while visiting the dead, but I'm trusting that they have compassion on my empty stomach.

"Excuse me, is he your son?" She asked me.

"No."

"Oh, ok, because every time we come here, my children like to visit him." I looked at the laughing children behind her.

"No, I just came to this graveyard the day after he was buried, and I've kept visiting him ever since."

"Oh." She looked surprised. "I guess it's just a bonding experience then."

A bonding experience indeed. Last year, when I saw his fresh grave, I cried. I can't imagine how hard it would be to lose a baby. I left a note for the family shortly thereafter; I didn't pretend that I had anything to ease their pain, but I did tell them that their loss had affected far more people than they knew. I left it in the picture frame, and within a week, it was gone; I assume that his family found it.

For my Savior, I wrote them another letter and left it in the picture frame again. I wanted them to know that their child is still loved by many. I, a stranger, still go to periodically visit his grave. And though he never grew old enough to walk, other children play with him beneath the trees and sunlight. I don't know if my letter will have any positive effect, but I want them to know that their child is loved by more people than they even know.

Not Quite

I did good things today. I made dinner with a wonderful friend that I wanted to get to know better, and then we delivered the food that we had made to another apartment. I had a great philosophical conversation while I was there. I read a list of promptings from Sunday that I hadn't followed though on yet and tried to do them.

But I didn't actually accomplish what I wanted to do for my Savior today. Sad day.

I'll try to do better tomorrow. I love Him, but I'm not perfect. He's helping me improve though, and I'm very grateful!

Pizza

Pizza. It's as simple as that. Some people are worth buying a pizza for, and so I did just that. It was a good day.

High Caliber Company

Sometimes, I wonder why I concentrate on Heavenly Father's voice better at some times than other times; I conclude that I just must be rather stupid occasionally. After all, if you had the omnipotent, omniscient Creator of the Universe in your corner, wouldn't you listen to His coaching?

Oh wait, you do have Him in your corner; well, I guess we're probably facing the same conundrum then... unless you're perfect, in which case, I apologize profusely for the assumption (please don't strike me down with your crazy awesome spiritual powers).

But lately, I've been really careful about trying to be still enough to hear Him. So today, when I wasn't sure what to do for a friend, I asked Heavenly Father to validate my decision as to how to produce the best outcome for everyone involved. In response to my request, I felt the precious peace of His approval, and I knew that I had made the right decision. I prayed to Him that I would know more specifically how to handle the situation, because for my Savior today, I wanted to be the best friend that I could be. I focused on His will rather than mine.

Don't get me wrong. I always try to be there for my friends for their own sake, not just because the Savior would like me to be. However, sometimes my own weaknesses make me less effective than maybe Heavenly Father would desire. By focusing on Him, my love becomes more pure and selfless, and thus I'm a better friend, not to mention that my thoughts become a lot more useful when the Spirit can more easily guide them.  

And in my opinion, when my friend and I spoke, it was actually a three-way conversation because Heavenly Father was present via the Holy Ghost. Each time before I acted or spoke, I made sure to check with the Holy Ghost to see if He approved. And because I was trusting Heavenly Father's judgment, I didn't feel tremendous pressure to analyze and control the situation either, allowing me to genuinely enjoy the high caliber of my company. Honestly, today, I got the honor of seeing the Spirit communicate with myself as well as another person, teaching and helping both of us. The whole experience felt beautiful and peaceful to me, and it's a memory that I will treasure.

Daddy-Daughter Date

Today, for my Savior, I went on a Daddy-Daughter date; and by that, I mean that I went to the temple grounds and just talked with my Heavenly Father for a while. Sometimes, I get so caught up in the things I need to do that I don't get to have quality conversation with my Father. Other times, when I'm having a hard time, I find it easier to reach out to people around me rather than rely on Heavenly Father.

By going on the Daddy-Daughter date, I chose to rely on my Heavenly Father. Loneliness and worry ate at my heart, but I deliberately went to the temple grounds so that I could talk to Him alone. We had a good conversation, and I feel more peace again; He also suggested a list of things for me to do, and I will do them in short order. I'm grateful for His guidance.

I still feel the ache of a heart not quite whole, but I also know that the Sun will come out tomorrow. As my friend Justin Miller said, "Sometimes it's enough to know that the Sun will rise. We don't always have to see it happen." And as my friend Chris Artificavitch said in response to that, "Leaps of faith are hard, especially when they leave you feeling alone. We are never truly alone though. The Sun will always rise, and the Son of God will always be with us." I have faith that my Father will take care of me as well as the people that I love. His ways are superior to mine, and I trust his judgment.

I highly recommend Daddy-Daughter dates; I myself made a commitment to Him tonight that we could have date night every week, just so we can make sure to stay close.

8 Steps to Feeling like a Valuable Human Being

Today, I felt like I needed to really think and write about self-worth.


Self-worth has a lot of interesting ironies involved. By definition, self-worth is "the sense of one's own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect," meaning that it comes from within. On the other hand, our perception of ourselves is influenced by how other people treat us, just like how mirrors allow us to conceptualize our own appearance. But I've also heard the idiom that people can't love a person that doesn't even love himself. So how do we gain self-worth? 

Some people lack self-esteem because they don't feel loved, whether by God or by other people. They think that because no one else seems to value them, they must not be valuable.

For me, my self-worth struggles come from a different place. I know that my Father loves me, and I know that through Jesus Christ, I can become whole. However, I also know that not everyone makes it back to God in the end. Heavenly Father loved Satan, but that wasn't enough to stop Lucifer from becoming devil. No, I don't lack faith in Jesus Christ, I lack hope in myself. That lack of hope stops me from accepting the Atonement of my Savior, the true means to self-confidence. 

But I'm learning, and I want to share that learning with you. God loves you, and his son Jesus Christ suffered so that He could help you; these things are absolutely true. However, I'm going to focus on concrete things you can do to have hope in yourself so that you can access the Savior better. As someone who has felt despair, I can tell you that it is a slow process. It isn't as easy as a one-time decision. But here are things some definitive actions that help:

1. Take care of yourself. If you don't treat yourself like a human being that deserves your time of day, your subconscious will feel worthless. Eat, sleep, and exercise enough to feel healthy. I'm trying to run 5x a week, get enough sleep, and eat healthy, and it makes a huge difference in my happiness (even though I don't remember that I like running until after I've been doing it for a half hour). 

2. Do things that you love. This is actually a part of taking care of yourself; it's a basic need. Spend time on what matters to you. If you're constantly unfulfilled, you're not feeding your soul the meaningfulness that it needs to fully function. Eventually, you'll find an aversion to menial tasks (like homework, minimum-wage work, etc) if you don't feed your soul enough, and that can have bad consequences that reinforce worthlessness. Everyday, spend at least 30 minutes doing something that you love. For example, I write everyday because I love it (if that wasn't obvious).

3. Avoid situations that feed negative thoughts. If there are people that treat you badly, stand up for yourself or don't interact with them at all. Whether or not you believe it, you deserve to be treated well. In standing up for yourself, you feel empowerment that increases your confidence. Remember, it's ok to label a situation as unhealthy; this doesn't mean you think the people involved are bad, just that circumstances needs to change to achieve the optimum result. Sometime soon, evaluate situations in your life objectively and plan actions accordingly. 

4. Be grateful. Honestly, even the parts of your life that are "bad" are beautiful. I don't like the anxiety/depression combination that comes with PTSD, but I'm actually grateful for the things that I'm learning. Choose to be grateful for everything. Everyday, write down something that you're grateful for, focusing especially on specific experiences in that day. Focus on what you're learning and becoming rather than on what you feel you're missing or failing at.

5. Keep a journal. I know that I already kind of addressed this in the previous point, but it helps, trust me. In writing my experiences and feelings down, not only can I revisit my words for strength later, but I'm admitting that my feelings and experiences are worthwhile. Expressing negative feelings and experiences allows me to acknowledge them without letting them control me, and expressing positive feelings and experiences gives me a chance to show myself that bad times always end. When I feel hopeless, it's because I feel like life will never get better. But if I read my journal, I know that it does. 

6. Set reasonable goals and keep track of progress. You encourage positive thoughts when you build positive landmarks unto your life. For example, I have an entire website that I've created solely for this purpose (password protected and for personal use, of course). It helps me focus on what I really want in life and what I need to do to get there. Seeing progress towards my dreams, focusing on what I can control, brings me hope and confidence.

7. Be forgiving. You're only human, and that's absolutely wonderful; you can always try again tomorrow. If your timeline for yourself has to change, that's OK. For instance, last semester, I trained for a half marathon, but I got sick before the race and was unable to finish my training. I'm also going to graduate later than I would like. In both cases, I had to delay my plans, and it's OK. I will still succeed eventually. And even if you and I don't achieve the goals we set, who is to say that we've failed? If God has a plan for us, who is to say that we didn't achieve His goal for us? 

8. Love other people. In caring about and for other people, you create an atmosphere of love that has nothing to do with your circumstances, and that love fills you with positive energy. There are people I love that I can't be around, but that love is real to me. When I'm loving other people, I don't have nearly as many thoughts or chemicals in my body that can be devoted to feeling worthless. I learn to love people by serving them and seeing them clearly for their strengths as well as their weaknesses.

Essentially, fill your life with love. I'll say the eight points in summary differently: 1)Treat yourself with love, 2) do things you love, 3) surround yourself with loving people and situations, 4) love factors in your life that you can't control, 5) love your thoughts and experiences enough to write them down, 6) love the person you could be enough to pursue him/her, 7) love yourself enough to forgive yourself, and 8) love others. If you don't love yourself quite yet, access love in any way that you can, and it'll start to rub off on you. 

Why is love so powerful? Because love is what gives anything meaning. If you don't care about something, then it is meaningless to you, and worth is a measure of importance. So then self-worth is how much meaning you see in yourself and your life. I promise, if you do these 8 things, you'll find more self-worth then you had before. You'll find the hope in yourself that you need to really accept the Savior's love and His Atonement. 

Gratitude for All of You Guys!

Tonight, I was asking myself, "what does Heavenly Father want me to do today?" As I was thinking, enjoying the peace that I felt, I realized that I have been doing what He wants me to do today. I started reorganizing and redecorating my room so that it could better reflect what I need to do in the coming months; now I can say that I've started on #9 on my list of things that I like to do! (the list, in case you're interested)

As a part of reorganizing, I started creating a board for notes that people have given me, basically giving everyone their own file.

As I held each piece of paper, I saw so much more than words scrawled on a page. I saw a beautiful connection to another a person; in the timeline of their eternity, there is a precious moment of thought and effort that they spent on me. The moment can never be changed, replaced, or refunded. I feel honored to receive care and consideration from those around me.

Even more than that, I see the hand of God in these pieces of paper. There are so many times when I've needed encouragement that He has sent me these little notes, using the hands of His other children to write them. Though the hands and faces change of those who reach out to me, I can see Him orchestrating these efforts on my behalf. I'm grateful to feel the love of God in my life.

Speaking to all those who have influenced my life in some way, I want to say thank you. You have no idea how much your association has helped me. If you were wondering whether you've made a positive contribution to this world, let me reassure you, my life would not be as good if it weren't for your existence. I may not know all the things that you've gone through, or the struggles that have shaped who you are, but I've benefited from the person that you've become; I hope that you think that it was worth it. If you ever need some validation or support, see if I can help you out; I would love to return the favors that I've been given.

Leap of Faith

Heavenly Father loves me, and He has a plan for me. I need to trust Him more. Today, I did something difficult as a sign of faith, and I felt peace. He knows what He's doing. I'm grateful that He is looking out for me, even when I'm not looking out for myself very well.

Open Heart Surgery

My gift for the Savior began at 4:30 this morning. Why was I awake at such an hour? It just so happened that I was sleeping lightly this morning when I heard the far wall crack, causing me to jerk away from the noise with PTSD-fast reflexes. I'm lucky that I didn't give myself a concussion against the wall by my bed! After taking a few calming breaths, remembering the prior evening, and taking some looks around, I realized that I was in my bedroom and I was probably safe. Nonetheless, I was still upset--my mood tends to be the worst when I'm asleep, funny enough--so I went out into the living room instead of trying to fall asleep again.

Last night, my outlook was pretty bleak. My poor best friend had to deal with my gloomy, stubborn, fatalistic mood. "Just look at what you're doing. Be logical," he told me.

Well, so that's what I did for my Savior today. After I woke up, I thought logically about my behaviors in the past while and listed my weaknesses. Awareness helps me improve, so I tried to be as honest with myself as possible. It was a difficult process, but I hope that I can progress even better from this point forward. I want to be good and healed!

Maybe it's bold to say, but I think that my life feels so difficult right now because I'm trying to draw deliberately closer to Christ. When I originally started this goal last year, I had a lot of apparent choices I could make to give to Him. I would revisit old grudges and try to give them to the Savior. I would choose to read my scriptures when otherwise I wouldn't. Basically, I was addressing obvious wrongs and deficiencies in my life. Since then, my gifts have changed. They have become more proactive, more about becoming better than becoming good. As I give things to my Savior, He and I move deeper and deeper into my soul, fixing things as we go. We've gotten deep enough that my subconscious has become a centerpiece in our efforts. I wonder if He has deliberately given me these difficult trials so that I can be aware of the fallacies in the foundation of my character.

Seriously. I feel a little bit like Alice in Wonderland, except it's my life and not just a dream. The deepest and craziest parts of me are being brought to the surface, and I'm having to question core parts of my soul. Often, I wonder why I act and feel certain ways, and it leads me to greater understanding. In my opinion, it's just about as pleasant as it would be to watch a doctor perform open heart surgery on myself, because that's spiritually what I'm going through; open heart surgery. My subconscious is being dug up, wrung out, and hung up to dry for my sheepish and uncomfortable examination. It's messy. There's a lot of blood, and it makes me squeamish. Who likes to see their core deficiencies?

I'm glad, even though this is probably the hardest thing that I've ever gone through, and it is sometimes hard to be grateful. I have the opportunity, right now, to examine the foundations of my character and work on changing it so that I can become more like Jesus Christ. Heavenly Father is trusting me with new knowledge about myself, and that is a precious opportunity, so I'm going to choose to view it that way.

Whatever trial you're going through, I hope that you can apply the same outlook. Heavenly Father is giving you a chance to delve into your deepest self as well as learn how to empathize with and help others with similar trials. Isn't that beautiful? Understanding yourself well enough to become more like God? Terrifying, but also hopeful?

On another note, I would like to apologize to everyone that I've made life difficult for and express gratitude for their patience. I really need good people in my life right now. Even if I don't ever tell you personally about how I feel or what I'm going through, your presence makes a huge difference in my well-being.

Yep

This was one of those days where I just have to tell Heavenly Father that I'll do better tomorrow. It happens. It was one of those days where I just tried to do homework for Heavenly Father. I had to ask Him for a lot of help to even do that. I got some done, but ultimately, I wouldn't rank this day in my top ten.

Everything is Awesome!

Today was such a good day! Oh man, I haven't had one of these in such a long time, or at least that I can remember. I'm so happy and grateful! I can just feel the endorphins humming in my system. I feel like I just got a new V8 engine in my metaphorical car; feel that baby purr! Also metaphorically. I would feel a little bit weirded out if you starting stroking my head, expecting to feel it buzzing.

What made the difference? There were a lot of things.

For one, heaven graced us with beautiful weather today! Can I get a holla for the first day of the year where I haven't needed to wear a jacket? I've been relying on faith that the Earth is actually a hospitable place to live, but today, my faith evolved into knowledge. Testimony = strengthened.

On a less sacrilegious note, I also did some homework and learned some things; I engaged enough in class today to share my soul as well as have it changed. By looking at my class in terms of my core values and what I want to do in life--I'm still trying to apply the principles that I learned in Being self-centered? For the Savior? Impossible...or is it? and it's really helpful--I was able to really love the material and learn it better. I may also have gotten in an argument with my teacher, but don't worry, the learning was totally worth the vulnerability! After class, she and I talked about different ways that I can be a better teacher, and I'm excited to apply what I learned to my entire life, not just life in the classroom.

Thirdly, I'm trying to be reasonable with my expectations, just like yesterday (My Best is Relative and Acceptable). I can only do what I can do, and that's ok. I'm setting expectations that are reasonable, not perfectionistic. And life doesn't go as planned, or I fail to meet even reasonable expectations, there is always tomorrow. There is no use worrying about sunk costs, as my economics training would say.

Fourthly, I'm still trying to choose to have faith in Heavenly Father's love (Worth of a Soul). He'll take care of me, and He'll take care of His other children. I should not literally be getting sick with worry for others! In trying to let go of that worry, I allow room for excitement and a sense of freedom in life.

I'm making progress. I'm working on long-term goals. I'm trying to fill my time with things that I love. Granted, I'm still in the fledgling stages of habit formation, and I still struggle with a lot of things. But aren't work-outs satisfying because they're hard, but not too hard?

Today, I gave (and am giving, let's be real, my day doesn't end at 6:00 P.M.) my gratitude and love. I'm trying to really love life, and boy, I'm pretty sure that makes both me and my Savior a lot happier. I'm listening to the guidance that my Father is giving me, and it's making such a difference! Life is good! I'm so grateful to Heavenly Father! The future is as bright as my faith! (Thomas S. Monson, "Be of Good Cheer")

My Best is Relative and Acceptable

Today at church, we watched the parable of the bicycle. In this parable, a young daughter wants a bike, and her dad tells her that if she saves up her money, she can have a bike. She works really hard and saves all her money, but when she visits the store to choose a bike, she realizes that she is woefully short of the required cash. Seeing her plight, her father kneels down and speaks with her face to face, saying, "Tell you what, if you give me all that you have and a hug and kiss, you can have that bike." The daughter is overjoyed and rides her new bike all the way home, her dad driving the car at a snail's pace beside her.

I really connected with this parable, even spared a tear or two. The father's words stood out to me the most; "if you give me all that you have and a hug and kiss, you can have that bike." I know that Heavenly Father wants all that I have, my whole heart. But today I thought, I don't have much left to give, I've already given it to other people. I just feel very limited in my capabilities right now because I've overextended trying to support people that I care about tremendously. I've given them so much energy that I don't have as much as I would like for my Heavenly Father.

But shortly after I thought about how little I have to give Heavenly Father, another thought came to me. He doesn't care how much you have, only that you give Him whatever you do have. Even if you're exhausted beyond belief, He only asks for what you have. Sometimes, I feel like I don't reasonably set my expectations in comparison with my capability. I expect more than I can give (hence the lack of emotional energy). I want to be perfect, and I'm quite frustrated and depressed whenever it's apparent to me that I fall short all the time.

So today, for the Savior, I tried to have expectations more reasonable to my capability. I made mistakes, a lot of them, and I wasn't perfect. I also had moments when I was a lot more severe and punishing towards myself that I should have been. But at the end of this day, I'm choosing to accept my efforts even if my results weren't perfect. My Savior wants me to progress, and I can't progress if I try to carry the weight of my imperfection; my sorrow and discouragement would drag me down. It's better to give Him my burdens and accept His Atonement. I'm expected to sin and make mistakes, that's why I have the Savior. Just because I've sinned doesn't mean that I've failed.

I tried to do what's right today, and I'll try to do better tomorrow. I'm trying to rely on the grace of my Savior. And that's good enough.

Caring for Another

Today for my Savior, I reached out to a friend in need. She tends to stick to herself, but I know that this semester hasn't been easy for her. Because of personal circumstances, I could have chosen to be angry with her, but she's my friend and a child of God. I've noticed that personally, understanding and knowing people's weaknesses helps me to love them more. This case was no different. And as I talked to her, she opened up to me more than she ever has before. I'm grateful that I could express loves towards her as well as see a little bit more of her life. She's very special, and I'm glad that I can know her and learn from her.

I really love it when the Savior fills me with love for my spiritual brothers and sisters. When I'm willing to give my will and heart to Him, He increases my capacity to genuinely care about my fellow man. Forgiveness becomes easy, and past grievances are secondary to the well-being of another. And based on scientific studies, I'm pretty sure that charity lengthens your life too. Basically, ask your Father to help you love others more; it'll lengthen your life as well as raise its quality!

He Makes All the Difference

So, I have mixed feelings about today. I feel like the best gift that I gave my Savior today wasn't actually the one that I prayed to give Him. Yeah, I tried to follow the Spirit in my conversations with some of my associations just like I told Him, but most of my intense effort today was more of a continuation of yesterday. I had some parts of my day where I was mentally very tired. Besides confronting more negativity, I also had a lot of anxiety dealing with hypervigilance today; I was around a lot more people with a lot more noise than I'm used to. When my hypervigilance is heightened, I'm abnormally aware of what's going on around me. I'm more sensitive to the movements and sounds that people make--loudness and jerky movements feel overwhelming to me--and I'm more sensitive to touch. Every time I move, I can feel my clothes shift against my skin and my hair move. I wasn't feeling well today, so that sickness felt more acute to me as well. I'm also very sensitive to people's emotions and body language. It's a level of awareness that while it can be very useful, it's absolutely exhausting and almost painful.

So with all of that going on, if I wanted to succeed in retaining my well-being as much as possible, I had to try extra hard. And I did, because I love Heavenly Father and I don't want to give Satan any room in my life. I feel like I made some real progress today because even though it was especially hard, I was able to handle my situations pretty well. I'm really grateful for the help and guidance that my Father in Heaven gives me; it makes all the difference.

Escaping a Low-Pressure System (also known as a tornado)

So, I know that I'm working on being less reactive, but the gift that I gave Christ today was a reaction to some information that I received. In the spirit of friendship and honesty, one of my friends told me something that didn't make me feel super great. Actually, my first feeling was that of unhappiness with a negation of worth on my part. Self-negativity started going around and around in my head, gaining power like a thunderstorm turning into a tornado. And that's what it felt like; a destructive cycle with a hollow center, sucking me into myself and my own feelings.

So for Christ, I tried to reject the negative messages and focus on what this friend needed. He didn't need for me to make him feel worse. So I tried to show him his worth, and while doing so, attempted to reject negative messages about mine. I tried to be still enough that my Savior could help me, and though I'm definitely a work in progress, I would be a lot worse off if I hadn't given Him my own effort as well as access to my heart. I didn't succumb! I wasn't victim to my own neural pathways. I fought back in my thoughts as well as my actions.

For instance, when someone tried to move me off the couch to take my seat (even though they already had one) I said no. And when they kept pushing me, I said, "Hey! I'm working on feeling like a worthwhile human being whose agency matters, so no, you can go back to your seat and I'll keep mine." Even though it was a stubborn contest, I triumphed in the end, and I'm quite proud of myself. Normally, I would just be like, "yes, you take whatever you want, even if it's unreasonable and encourages bad behavior." Not this time. Awww yeah.

Being self-centered? For the Savior? Impossible...or is it?

So, I realized something interesting yesterday.

I've become a reaction.

Not that I have reactions, not that I react to stimuli, but that I am a reaction. If you speak, move, or touch me when I'm not expecting it, I'll be startled. If I watch an action movie, I'll feel sick and stressed out. Lash out at me, and I'll instinctively give you what you want to avoid negative consequences.  If you give me blame or responsibility, I will automatically shoulder it. If you need help, I'll compulsively try to "save" you. Notice that none of these actions have anything to do with how I feel; they are dependent on the choices of other people.

Good job, Satan. You know that I don't limit my agency through sin, so you found a way to give me post-traumatic stress disorder instead. Well played, well played.

So for today, I gave something a little counter-intuitive; I made a list of things that I have historically liked to do. It was a struggle, and even now, I'm not sure if I succeeded. As the embodiment of reaction, I don't ever think about what makes me happy.

I actually have some pretty good proof on this point; I created a survey that I make myself take everyday, and two of the questions are "What was your primary motivation today?" and "What do you think that Heavenly Father wants from you?" As I've tracked the trends in my thinking, I've noticed that I often act to avoid negative consequences, whereas I think that Heavenly Father wants me to act because I desire good consequences. Avoiding bad things is a form of reaction, because my choices are about running away from something rather than choosing what I run towards; on the other hand, desire for something good is a choice only I can make for myself. In making a list of things that I like to do and doing them, I'm hoping to reclaim the desire that will allow me to fully reclaim my agency.

1. Writing
2. Service
3. Arts and Crafts
4. Rock-climbing
5. Playing piano
6. Arranging hymns
7. Reading novels
8. Serving my ancestors
9. Cleaning/decorating; basically making my living quarters look cozy
10. Going to the temple

So it begins. Hopefully, I can give the Savior an entire human being sometime in the future instead of an overzealous sympathetic nervous system!

If My Father Holds Me

Anyone who has tried to talk with me for the past week or so has noticed that I'm quite reticent to talk about how I'm feeling.

"How are you?" My concerned friends and/or family ask.

"Fine." I always answer untruthfully, carefully hiding my sudden irritation. And then after an obligatory 2 seconds of trying to appear ok, I flee to the nearest location with no people.

I wish that I wasn't having a hard time, because trust me, having a hard time for months on end isn't my idea of a great time. I feel irritated because I wish that I could give a more positive answer, and every time I can't, I'm acutely aware of my own lack of progress. I wish I could say, "yeah! I'm great! It's a miracle! Hallelujah!" Alas, that time has not yet arrived.

So today, for my Savior, I tried to overcome this aversion at least for an hour. I had a counseling appointment today--I'm trusting that anyone bothering to read this cares about me on some level, and will refrain from judging me at this point in time--and that means that I'm supposed to talk about how I feel. Gross. I did not want to. But I know that Heavenly Father wants me to feel and be better, and in order to do that, I need to work through the things that are causing me such difficulties. Avoiding problems does not fix them. And it was good. I remember having a moment in the session where I was going to avoid telling the counselor something, and then I stopped; "be completely open for Heavenly Father," I reminded myself. "You aren't giving your best effort at healing if you aren't completely honest, and the Savior gave His life to heal you." And so I did.

Yesterday, one of my friends tried to reassure me. "It'll be ok." And then he grimaced and went on to say, "sorry, when I'm having a hard time, I don't handle hearing that very well."

I can understand why people don't always like hearing that "it'll be ok." But that's not me. I know that it'll be ok. I believe in the Atonement. I know that it's real. However, I also know that it won't be ok instantly, at least not always. As Elder Holland said in his talk Like a Broken Vessel, "Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead."

The story about Joseph Smith needing surgery as a child means a lot to me, but not for the reasons you would expect.  As the account goes, Joseph Smith needed surgery on his leg, and the doctor told him to consume alcohol so that when the knife cut through his skin, the pain would be less. The child refused, saying that if his father held him, he could hold still and endure the pain. We commend him, saying that he valued having control over his own mind and body, but that experience means so much more symbolically.

Just like Joseph Smith could rely on his earthly father, as I struggle, I can feel my Heavenly Father holding me. It doesn't mean that life is easier, or that it hurts less. But I can be still. I can endure anything, and I can endure it to the end. I can accept His will for me. My experiences are meant to teach me something, and while I'm frustrated that I don't seem to be learning it--if I had already learned my lesson, I feel like I would be healed already--I'm grateful for the opportunities that I have to grow, even if it's really difficult.

FHE

Today, I went to FHE for the Savior. I know, I should be going all the time anyways, but 1) school takes a lot of time, and 2) I shouldn't actually be making excuses, so this second reason is unnecessary. And FHE was good. If I hadn't have gone, my evening probably would have been a lot worse. Just like everything I do for Christ (at least for His birthday present), I prayed beforehand that it could go according to His will. I pray beforehand because of this scripture, 2 Nephi 32:9;

But behold, I say unto you that ye must pray always, and not faint; that ye must not perform any thing unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul.

I want the Lord to consecrate my performance. I want my gifts to Him to mean something more to both of us. However else I fall short, I at least know that I'm deliberately trying to come closer to Christ. He is worth it! Every effort and trial is worth it if I can strengthen my relationship with Him.

Yay! More of the same but happier!

Right. So my gift today involved this same friend that I keep talking about.Yesterday, I said that we were at peace, which was mostly true. Today, we talked again, and we're both willing to start the friendship over and try to achieve a healthier balance. This friend means so much to me, and for the entirety of our friendship, I've been asking Heavenly Father to help me be a good friend and influence, and for us to be positive influences on each other. Heavenly Father was helping us today as we talked. I'm so grateful! Miracles do happen. Healing does happen.