Open Heart Surgery

My gift for the Savior began at 4:30 this morning. Why was I awake at such an hour? It just so happened that I was sleeping lightly this morning when I heard the far wall crack, causing me to jerk away from the noise with PTSD-fast reflexes. I'm lucky that I didn't give myself a concussion against the wall by my bed! After taking a few calming breaths, remembering the prior evening, and taking some looks around, I realized that I was in my bedroom and I was probably safe. Nonetheless, I was still upset--my mood tends to be the worst when I'm asleep, funny enough--so I went out into the living room instead of trying to fall asleep again.

Last night, my outlook was pretty bleak. My poor best friend had to deal with my gloomy, stubborn, fatalistic mood. "Just look at what you're doing. Be logical," he told me.

Well, so that's what I did for my Savior today. After I woke up, I thought logically about my behaviors in the past while and listed my weaknesses. Awareness helps me improve, so I tried to be as honest with myself as possible. It was a difficult process, but I hope that I can progress even better from this point forward. I want to be good and healed!

Maybe it's bold to say, but I think that my life feels so difficult right now because I'm trying to draw deliberately closer to Christ. When I originally started this goal last year, I had a lot of apparent choices I could make to give to Him. I would revisit old grudges and try to give them to the Savior. I would choose to read my scriptures when otherwise I wouldn't. Basically, I was addressing obvious wrongs and deficiencies in my life. Since then, my gifts have changed. They have become more proactive, more about becoming better than becoming good. As I give things to my Savior, He and I move deeper and deeper into my soul, fixing things as we go. We've gotten deep enough that my subconscious has become a centerpiece in our efforts. I wonder if He has deliberately given me these difficult trials so that I can be aware of the fallacies in the foundation of my character.

Seriously. I feel a little bit like Alice in Wonderland, except it's my life and not just a dream. The deepest and craziest parts of me are being brought to the surface, and I'm having to question core parts of my soul. Often, I wonder why I act and feel certain ways, and it leads me to greater understanding. In my opinion, it's just about as pleasant as it would be to watch a doctor perform open heart surgery on myself, because that's spiritually what I'm going through; open heart surgery. My subconscious is being dug up, wrung out, and hung up to dry for my sheepish and uncomfortable examination. It's messy. There's a lot of blood, and it makes me squeamish. Who likes to see their core deficiencies?

I'm glad, even though this is probably the hardest thing that I've ever gone through, and it is sometimes hard to be grateful. I have the opportunity, right now, to examine the foundations of my character and work on changing it so that I can become more like Jesus Christ. Heavenly Father is trusting me with new knowledge about myself, and that is a precious opportunity, so I'm going to choose to view it that way.

Whatever trial you're going through, I hope that you can apply the same outlook. Heavenly Father is giving you a chance to delve into your deepest self as well as learn how to empathize with and help others with similar trials. Isn't that beautiful? Understanding yourself well enough to become more like God? Terrifying, but also hopeful?

On another note, I would like to apologize to everyone that I've made life difficult for and express gratitude for their patience. I really need good people in my life right now. Even if I don't ever tell you personally about how I feel or what I'm going through, your presence makes a huge difference in my well-being.